About coping and finding answers

So... ---> the worst way to start a post.

After a month losing one of the relationships I've treasured the most, I realize that I have a really good coping mechanism. I don't know what it is, and I don't know how I really do it, or I might be in a big river called denial (The Nile, got it? Old pun, I know...) which means I'm not yet outdone my grief yet, but yes, I'm fine now.

Here is a list of things that I did/do to pamper myself after:
1. Watching Imagine Dragons concert.
Alone. I don't care. They did well. The live concert was very much entertaining.

2. Eating lots of chicken.
I know it should be chocolate, but I can't afford to gain more pounds. In fact, I should lose some to get back in the game pretty soon.

3. Working, working, and working.
I take on some responsibilities in some organizations, involve in some secret projects, and I literally work too, so I'm busy. I always love having something to do.

4. Doing some late-night walking around downtown.
Seeing city lights is a good remedy. I take Journey's advice, "Don't stop... believing! Hold on to that feeeeeeeeliiiing. Street lights! Peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" But that's street lights, and not city? Oh well, I got to see both during my late-night strolling time.

5. Abusing my digital piano.
What's better than watching live shows? Pretending that you are the star.

6. Having me time and turning my cellphone off.
I don't wanna know what happens out there. I have the rights to enjoy myself, and I can choose not to talk to people when I don't want to or not to explain what happened. I have never really done this before just because I have never found an appropriate excuse to do so.

7. Attending The L.A. Ultimate Women's Expo
Excuse me? Let me revise: The L.A. VERY ULTIMATE Women's Expo. Keynote speakers! Get my nail done! Wine tasting! Felicity Huffman! Awesome booths! <--- that can easily make me broke......

8. Splurge, on basically anything I want.
It should be over soon. I have my deadline approaching. But now I don't feel guilty because I fully sustain myself financially.

9. I'm fine.

10. I really am so fine.




"You know what happens when someone lets go of your hand? You get it back. It's a good thing. They're all still there. They all still love you. But it means you get your hand back. It means you have time. Not to wash the dishes. To do something with. To get out there. To find diseases to cure. To take it to the next level. To invent the Bailey method. You gotta get out there. Do something. And don't look back."
-Chief Webber, to Miranda Bailey, Grey's Anatomy Season 9 Episode 3-


Now I gotta get out there, find Siera method, and don't look back.

About acceptance

I saw a movie last year, and I forgot what the title was. I do remember though, there was a part in the movie where the lead actress went through her divorce and had to look through herself in the mirror and said, "I'm a widow. I'm a widow. I... am... a... widow...." (followed by heartbreaking crying scene, the world ended, everybody moved to Mars)

Acceptance is hard. I was tempted to do such a drama, looked at myself in the mirror and said, "I'm ... (you know, whatever I was in at that moment)" Is it that hard to accept things that you can't explain? Or is it that easy that you can actually make it through just by saying a couple of words to yourself in the mirror and you're ready to go afterwards?

Turning Tables

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
I can't give you, the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own 5-size feet...

So after listening to the ultimate break-up album,
and while crossing the street of Grand View and Venice on my way home from work,
I think I'm ready to let you go accept the fact that I have to let you go.

About discontentment

She stood there, seeing her own life in pieces
In flashes, like a shadow dragged by misfortunes

She sat quietly, wondering what just happened
So quiet, that she could hear her own thoughts
Or not? Were they actually hers?
She didn't know
Competing a full-speed train, her mind rushed unwillingly fast

For every moments passed, she didn't know why she was here
Hollow, she was
And what could possibly be the meaning of life, but a passion to survive?

About everything in this blog

Brainiacs,

Don't try to decode whatever I write here. Sometimes I don't even know what it means. I do have to straighten things up a bit.

1. On the contrary of popular belief, my world doesn't revolve around me and as much as I hate to admit, I don't love myself that much. Everything in this blog ISN'T always about me. I try to be a little bit bogus-ish by sometimes assuming myself as another person, with a set of emotions, and write what I think as the person. So yes, that post about falling in love might not be about me falling in love. It might be about how someone feels when he/she is falling in love.

2. I try to keep things universal by not defining "you." In my posts, "you" could be a teddy bear, a book, a lover, the weather, etc. I have fun writing for different random objects and you should have fun imagining too.

3. Needless to say, *literally, I don't have anything here, I just put it so I have a good rendition of "three things that need attention," Rule-of-three rules! <--- oh that's redundant* I LOVE YOU. I know some people do read my blog *blush* even though they don't want to comment on the posts. You know what, I don't care. I write for the sake of my own satisfaction. Of course my satisfaction goes up if some people do appreciate what I write. Appreciation could be in the form of closeted readers, or not-so-closeted ones. I LOVE YOU ALL.

About the magic of three

Three times the charm
Next time we met, we could talk about the weather
Because last night was the third time, and nothing happened
If there was something, it was me
and my stupid forbearance

You might not remember the first and second time we met
It hadn't come to my attention before yesterday
But yesterday was different

And what makes it different now seems like nothing

Yes, next time we met, we could talk about the weather
You would not remember
Neither would I
about what happened the third time we met
The weather would be more interesting than any other matters
Just like strangers

I guess we would start all over again
From the weather, shall we?

About a bittersweet ending

So this is it. This is how empty it feels after everything is done:




Yeah, it's the above. It's like an unfinished clause after a colon without period. People never told you that? Lemme do the honor. Ladies and gentlemen, GRADUATING SUCKS.

Whatttt? Sorry for being anti-Gabriel here. *Gabriel: the angel that brought the good news in the gospel*
Yes, I hereby declare that after-graduation is another chapter in your life where you wake up and realize that instead of your routine, you are now exposed to a mountain of uncertainties. Be it trying to find a job, getting your ass to move from its place (bed) even though you don't really know what you want to do, or making coffee just because that's what people do in the movie when they wake up in the morning, right?

Never in my life, I don't know where else to go or what else to do. That maybe because I have always been in school and I L.O.V.E. that. I LOVE staying in school. However, that's the state I'm in now: I don't know where else to go or what else to do. Actually, I don't know exactly where to go or exactly what to do. There are too many options and I want to do everything. A type-A like me, I want to get a job, make some money and get drown in it (in an ocean of money, of course). Another side of me telling this stubborn fresh graduate to, as cliche as it is, just find experience, make mistakes, and try everything I might be interested in. There is always the betrayer, a voice in the secret, dark, place, telling me to specifically do what I know what I'm passionate about and neither wasting time trying everything nor thinking about the financial aspect of whatever I want to do. Then, here she comes, the adventurer, the one that persuades me to do some crazy stuff like grad trip for a year or just go back home and have my never-ending-after-graduation-pause.

As they keep on debating, I'm left behind, more confuse than ever before.

Hush! Enough for the anti-Gabriel session. Now, why skipping the best moments of graduation? The actual day of commencement!

I'm extremely happy for the chance to meet these people from the beginning, to share with them one of the most important steps in my life, and for their willingness to take part in my journey. These people will always be acknowledged.

Mom. and she brings with her (can't you see it? It's in her heart!): My Daddy and Billy.

Yeah, you know him...

and of course my Wilshire Warriors!

My lovely CG Sesuatu and my soul sisters...

 My ISA!

                                 

I even write my "remarks". I don't know when to say it, so I just put it here.

Thank God for giving me life to live, hope to endure, and blessings to enjoy. I wanna thank papi, mami for being democratic parents. For asking me questions and letting me think for myself, and for giving me answers to decide what exactly black and white are. I’d like to thank Billy for telling me that you don’t need to be older to rebuke your sister. And also noenoe for his endless support. Last but certainly not the least, I would especially thank you guys, my beloved friends, in Wilshire, Sesuatu, ISA and others for teaching me that friends are not those you got, but those you keep. Thank you.

For other reasons that will never ever be enough to be expressed with words,

twas nice seeing you.

I'm so very blessed.

About contradictory power of love

Poison and Wine - The civil wars

This song must have some kind of additives. I've been listening to this over and over and over again, and I still can't get my mind over it. It's POISONous, in a sense that it kills my love for other songs, yet just like WINE, it calms my nerves. *See what I did there?*


In all seriousness, who named their band "The civil wars?" Kudos to Joy Williams and John Paul White. No, I didn't know them because of The Hunger Games or Taylor Swift. I knew them way back before they win Grammy Awards.


About the song: JW (Joy Williams) – Love has a way of ripping you apart just as much as it has a way of holding you together, and this piece is a gut-level-honest tug and pull of affection and affliction felt between two lovers. 


Love is not just about affection. It's a choice of being present in the circle of affection, even though it burns out. Being in love is falling out of love with someone, yet deliberately choosing to stay. It's not a commitment, because commitment is based on understanding what ones are signed up for. It's love when you don't even know how to weigh the costs and benefits. It's intuitive, not predictable. While commitment is a pledge, love gives you options.


That's why Best-Friend-A didn't say anything when Best-Friend-B decided to date C even though A liked B so damn much. B and C loved each other after all.
That's why my mom didn't kick me out when I said I wanted a whole different direction in life.
That's why my dad works hard to provide.


Love rips you apart, and pull you back together. All in all, it proves its abilities to attract more opportunities and possibilities. Love never shuts you down.

About being productive

This, when you have tons of work to do, yet you choose to update your blog instead, is called unproductive, or at least a failure in prioritization. Being an acknowledged writer (by myself, that is--a self-acknowledged writer slash a narcissist), I constantly find writers' flow when I don't need to. On the other side, I have writers' block when I need to write the most. It might be counter-intuitive though. I have writers' block caused by the need to write, and it turns into an ugly, vicious cycle. Let's not get into that.

I want to emphasize that the definition of being productive varies. I wonder what ADHD peeps think about being productive? Some people say productivity has a lot to do with focus/concentration, but having ADHD means inability to concentrate right? Does that mean ADHD peeps will never be productive? Okay, I'm throwing out questions that I do not know the answer. Maybe I have ADHD... or a little bit. I ramble a lot. My mind jumps off from one thing to another in almost every second.

ANYWAY

Why is there no song written about being productive? is it not important? No, it is! I should make one.
I'll try...

P.R...P.R.O.D.U.C.
P.R.O.D.U.C.T.I.V.I.T.Y
Productivity is you and I with P.R.D.C.T.V.and Y thrown in.
It's nothing without you and I.
Because it would be just Pr Dc Tv and Y.
PR... Public Relations
DC... District of Columbia
TV... Television
and Y...
But why
Why does it need you and I
Why does it need.......
Cause baby I need you.
To stay sane
To be in an express lane
With all the smiles and laughs
With all the silly bluff
You make me productive
Effective
Creative
Inventive, yeah...
Productivity...
(to be continued...)

About unofficially missing you

Is it my fault if I miss you?
Is it my fault if I am reluctant to these changes?
to your changes, to the different words that you whisper in the air?
It feels distant, like a slow motion of "help" in a thriller movie
Like a 70 in a metronome, slow, waiting for the next note to be played
A note that might never come because the song might be over
Should I blame the song?
Should I blame the air for carrying such bad news?
Should I blame the heart for having this big hole that it can't explain?

Should I blame you for leaving and not coming back?
Should I blame you for leaving before proclaiming that you were even there?
Should I blame myself for expecting different words, more songs, and more of you?