About coping and finding answers

So... ---> the worst way to start a post.

After a month losing one of the relationships I've treasured the most, I realize that I have a really good coping mechanism. I don't know what it is, and I don't know how I really do it, or I might be in a big river called denial (The Nile, got it? Old pun, I know...) which means I'm not yet outdone my grief yet, but yes, I'm fine now.

Here is a list of things that I did/do to pamper myself after:
1. Watching Imagine Dragons concert.
Alone. I don't care. They did well. The live concert was very much entertaining.

2. Eating lots of chicken.
I know it should be chocolate, but I can't afford to gain more pounds. In fact, I should lose some to get back in the game pretty soon.

3. Working, working, and working.
I take on some responsibilities in some organizations, involve in some secret projects, and I literally work too, so I'm busy. I always love having something to do.

4. Doing some late-night walking around downtown.
Seeing city lights is a good remedy. I take Journey's advice, "Don't stop... believing! Hold on to that feeeeeeeeliiiing. Street lights! Peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" But that's street lights, and not city? Oh well, I got to see both during my late-night strolling time.

5. Abusing my digital piano.
What's better than watching live shows? Pretending that you are the star.

6. Having me time and turning my cellphone off.
I don't wanna know what happens out there. I have the rights to enjoy myself, and I can choose not to talk to people when I don't want to or not to explain what happened. I have never really done this before just because I have never found an appropriate excuse to do so.

7. Attending The L.A. Ultimate Women's Expo
Excuse me? Let me revise: The L.A. VERY ULTIMATE Women's Expo. Keynote speakers! Get my nail done! Wine tasting! Felicity Huffman! Awesome booths! <--- that can easily make me broke......

8. Splurge, on basically anything I want.
It should be over soon. I have my deadline approaching. But now I don't feel guilty because I fully sustain myself financially.

9. I'm fine.

10. I really am so fine.




"You know what happens when someone lets go of your hand? You get it back. It's a good thing. They're all still there. They all still love you. But it means you get your hand back. It means you have time. Not to wash the dishes. To do something with. To get out there. To find diseases to cure. To take it to the next level. To invent the Bailey method. You gotta get out there. Do something. And don't look back."
-Chief Webber, to Miranda Bailey, Grey's Anatomy Season 9 Episode 3-


Now I gotta get out there, find Siera method, and don't look back.

About acceptance

I saw a movie last year, and I forgot what the title was. I do remember though, there was a part in the movie where the lead actress went through her divorce and had to look through herself in the mirror and said, "I'm a widow. I'm a widow. I... am... a... widow...." (followed by heartbreaking crying scene, the world ended, everybody moved to Mars)

Acceptance is hard. I was tempted to do such a drama, looked at myself in the mirror and said, "I'm ... (you know, whatever I was in at that moment)" Is it that hard to accept things that you can't explain? Or is it that easy that you can actually make it through just by saying a couple of words to yourself in the mirror and you're ready to go afterwards?

Turning Tables

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
I can't give you, the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own 5-size feet...

So after listening to the ultimate break-up album,
and while crossing the street of Grand View and Venice on my way home from work,
I think I'm ready to let you go accept the fact that I have to let you go.